scorpio
libra
Balance. Equilibrium. Equity. Poise. Even-handedness. Justice.
All of this will be sorely tested this week when, for starters, some uncouth little shithead calls you a "twelge-wrangler". Then a "quim-boik". Then "sac-foam".
Then, in order, a "goat-felcher", a "knee-trembler's wart", "rod-pus", "gash-froth", "scrotweed", "slit-mould" and a "big fat fucking fairy". He will then puch your four-year-old nephew down the fire escape.
Let us know how you get on with that, won't you, Libra?
Uh-oh. Here comes the arse-faced bringer of yowling death. What's the story today, Scorps? How much mortality have you accounted for since elevenses?
Here's a thing: not twenty minutes after you read this, you'll make some minor elementary slip-up in the kitchen which will lead, via a pointlessly circuitous and unlikely sequence of events, to the mortal electrocution of a group of under-fives playing innocently together beneath a sheet of tarp being used as a wind-break.
At this point you will simply thing "Jesus Christ, I should have just got my stinger out and had done with it."
How are you going, Capricorn? Any closer to solving that great conundrum? Could you Google yourself, perhaps? What the jellied spunk ARE you, you goof?
This time: beware the challenge, as, lacking any clear idea about your own identity, you inexplicably take on that of Johnny Cougar, Seminole pro-wrestler from the classic 70s and 80s comic "Tiger" (cf also "Tiger and Scorcher" and "Tiger and Speed"). You will adopt the redskin's timeline at about the moment he started getting the above cryptic message - BEWARE THE CHALLENGE - prior to eventually encountering yet another fucking gimmicky wrestler in a limp plot device, culminating in a wrestling match. This time over a waterfall.
Robin Hood? Fictional. William Tell? Fictional. Greeen fucking Arrow? Fictional. Are you getting the message, Sagittarius?
This week, or month or whatever, you will find yourself calling unexpectedly upon the mathematical principles you supposedly learned as a child, only to find that said skills and learning falls dismally short of what is required to measure a carpet in a room that isn't completely regular in every dimension. You know it can't be that hard, but even so, it's beyond you. Way beyond.
You arrow-wielding twat.
capricorn
